I cried, we prayed, we talked, I cried some more, i racked my brain to figure out a way to make it work. But there was the answer in our hearts from the Lord- "No..this isn't your child." If I'm really honest, I think i knew that from the moment she started telling me everything. My sweet attorney friend (who's also a social worker) told me that it's okay, this may not be our child, but that they'll be others and she's keeping us in mind for situations. There also may be another potential situation further down the road (BM is only 7-8 weeks along) that may be a better fit for us.
I can't help but feel like this will never happen- like it's getting further and further away. Remember, when you were a kid and you had a balloon in your hand and the wind took it from your hand? In the first few seconds that it happened, it seems like you'll be able to get it back- it lingers close to you, then suddenly - nope, a gust of wind picks up and moves it further and further away, in the distance, out of reach forever. That's exactly how this feels. Like it will never happen. I feel like lately it's always been something- the homestudy, finances, timing. Believe me, I know that God is faithful and He hears the cries of my heart. It's coming- i know it. Just right now, it doesn't seem like that at all.
Last night, I asked David- "Is there ever going to happen? Will we ever get our child?" My wise husband with his funny sense of humor (yet spot on in truth) "Yes- multiple children. There are children every day that need a home. One day, you'll remember this day and laugh because you'll be crying over how the kids are driving you crazy!" A funny thing also happened earlier- he makes me laugh all the time. My friend asked me if I knew of any other families through my work that might be interested. I told her i would check and see and call her back. He said, "You're going to call someone and see if they want a baby born in two weeks? Just like that?" I smiled and said "Yes, I do it all the time-sometimes with shorter notice than that." He just shook his head and grinned, "Well, no wonder you're crazy!" It took me a minute to catch what he said, but it made me laugh. Adoption tends to bring out the craziness.
I'm not going to lie and say I'm 100% okay today. I'm not. I'm trusting in the promise that God is faithful and that I have "to trust in the Lord with all of my heart and lean not own my own understanding. In all of my ways acknowledge Him and He will set my path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6. His ways are not mine, He can see the bigger picture- I only see a snapshot. He's got this- this maybe bigger than me, but it's not bigger than Him. And, it's all going to be okay. In fact, when it does happen, it will be more than "okay." It will be perfect.