Surrendering the Yes

When we first started the adoption process, because it's a domestic adoption, we immediately set our age range for newborn to 12 months (the younger the better). Hubby has said that he wouldn't mind adopting an older child. It was me that held back on that. Most domestic adoptions are newborns and if an older child (non infant or toddler) is available, then they usually  have severe behavior/emotional issues and medical issues. If we were adopting internationally, this would be something we would have to consider as a yes. 

Infertility is a thief. It steals so much. I think that's why I wanted an infant. If I wasn't able to experience the pregnancy, delivery, first moments, etc then I wanted to catch up on lost time as soon as I good. Plus the earlier the child is with us, the sooner we can start working on bonding and attachment. 

Yesterday, I received a text from a friend asking if we were completely sold on newborn. I told her about our parameters and my reasoning for wanting newborn/infant. She completely understood. She proceeded to me the story- it was a family member of her husband's and the child was two. My friend and her husband could not take him in right now. Something made me tell her that I would talk to Hubby and then I asked for additional information. 

I was traveling so I had a lot of time to think. It struck me. I didn't ask God to show me the parameters that He wanted for us- I simply said what I wanted and went with it. I really got to thinking about it. This little boy couldn't help the fact that he was 2. He has experienced a lot of trauma for his little life. Before transitioning to full time adoption with my job, I worked with foster kids and children in residential settings for 6 years. I know how to deal with their hurts, the impact that trauma can have on development, bonding and attachment. Was there now all of a sudden a reason why? 

I knew what Hubby would say- "yes" and that we would walk through any door that opened as far it would take us. I knew it would be hard. My friend called me back and confirmed some of my suspicions and answered questions that I already had answered in my mind (because of knowing how the foster care system works). It was not even an option for us. But that's okay. I knew that I had to be willing to surrender my "yes" and be willing to let go of my expectations and desires. After all, this isn't about me at all. When I finally made it home that evening, I talked with Hubby about this situation. Again, he confirmed he was okay with a toddler. I don't think we would be comfortable with older than age 2 or 3 at this point in our lives. I was a little disappointed but even more excited about may happen because we surrendered our "yes."