Well, it's a year later- and no baby. One unsuccessful round of Clomid, an official cause of infertility, a big move and big job change for my husband and we're finally in the midst of the adoption process. It's been a bit slower (okay, a lot!) than I had wanted it to be, or where I thought I would be at this point.
Yesterday, we celebrated the life of David's grandmother. She went to be with Jesus last week at age 85. She was so excited about our adoption process and was constantly asking about when the baby was coming home. Honestly, she wanted nothing more than to see her first great grandchild. Last week, she asked about the baby's name, which we were able to tell her. She also gave us this little bunny rabbit that sings a song about Jelly Beans to put in the baby's room. One of the last things she told David and I was to "take care of that baby and bring them home." David preached part of the funeral and it was beautiful. I did okay until he started talking about the baby and how excited she was- which then caused me to bawl my way through singing "Amazing Grace." David assured her before she passed away that our baby would know about her and we would take care of them.
I had this realization last week about Mother's Day. It wasn't anything huge or profound but it gave me a bit of hope. I realized that I already am someone's mother. They just don't know it yet.
Somewhere out there, there is a brave woman who will make the most selfless and loving decision to choose an adoption plan for her baby. I don't know if this baby is even in her womb yet, but God knows exactly when this baby will be born. Our baby already has two mothers who love them so much- it's indescribable.
My child doesn't know that
- I picture in my head what the day will be like when we get the "call"
- that I get so overwhelmed with the love that I already have for them that it takes my breath away.
- that their grandparents are already talking about their "grandparent" names. :)
- that we are praying for them and their birth family
- that I have this picture in my head of what I think they may look like- I'll be curious to see if they look anything like this!
- that I never knew I could love someone so much that I've never met
- that already in my heart, even before we've met- I love them with a mother's love.
So I'll wait. I'll continue to get the nursery ready and drive my husband crazy with paint colors and my crazy planning- "nesting" madness. I'll cry because it seems so far away- almost out of reach. I'll pray- continuing to hold onto the hope that God has given me. I'll continue to love- love the little one who will someday (soon!) call me "Mommy."