Surrendering the Yes

When we first started the adoption process, because it's a domestic adoption, we immediately set our age range for newborn to 12 months (the younger the better). Hubby has said that he wouldn't mind adopting an older child. It was me that held back on that. Most domestic adoptions are newborns and if an older child (non infant or toddler) is available, then they usually  have severe behavior/emotional issues and medical issues. If we were adopting internationally, this would be something we would have to consider as a yes. 

Infertility is a thief. It steals so much. I think that's why I wanted an infant. If I wasn't able to experience the pregnancy, delivery, first moments, etc then I wanted to catch up on lost time as soon as I good. Plus the earlier the child is with us, the sooner we can start working on bonding and attachment. 

Yesterday, I received a text from a friend asking if we were completely sold on newborn. I told her about our parameters and my reasoning for wanting newborn/infant. She completely understood. She proceeded to me the story- it was a family member of her husband's and the child was two. My friend and her husband could not take him in right now. Something made me tell her that I would talk to Hubby and then I asked for additional information. 

I was traveling so I had a lot of time to think. It struck me. I didn't ask God to show me the parameters that He wanted for us- I simply said what I wanted and went with it. I really got to thinking about it. This little boy couldn't help the fact that he was 2. He has experienced a lot of trauma for his little life. Before transitioning to full time adoption with my job, I worked with foster kids and children in residential settings for 6 years. I know how to deal with their hurts, the impact that trauma can have on development, bonding and attachment. Was there now all of a sudden a reason why? 

I knew what Hubby would say- "yes" and that we would walk through any door that opened as far it would take us. I knew it would be hard. My friend called me back and confirmed some of my suspicions and answered questions that I already had answered in my mind (because of knowing how the foster care system works). It was not even an option for us. But that's okay. I knew that I had to be willing to surrender my "yes" and be willing to let go of my expectations and desires. After all, this isn't about me at all. When I finally made it home that evening, I talked with Hubby about this situation. Again, he confirmed he was okay with a toddler. I don't think we would be comfortable with older than age 2 or 3 at this point in our lives. I was a little disappointed but even more excited about may happen because we surrendered our "yes." 

Unexpected Answers

Ask anyone who's been a part of adoption and they'll probably all tell you the same thing: the journey is unpredictable. It's full of unexpected twists and turns, bumps and roadblocks. Anything can change in the matter of a few moments. Be prepared for the unexpected. 

As I wrote previously, we've been dealing with infertility for over a year. Even after my surgery in Feb 2013, we didn't have any real answers or reason for the infertility other than we had it. Pregnancy wasn't impossible just going to be difficult. Last week, I had my first experience with the unexpected and unpredictable with adoption. I met with a new OB/GYN doctor since we had moved and needed to get established. I showed her the pictures from my surgery and told her what worked and what hadn't worked so far. I told her we were in the midst of the adoption process. Routine bloodwork brought a reason for the infertility. However, I wasn't prepared for the reason. I'm in early menopause. At. 32. Premature Ovarian Failure- which is when the ovaries fail and one goes into menopause before the age of 40. My previous doctor had mentioned this as a possibility but nothing else was mentioned. 

I felt a mixture of emotions. Relieved to finally have an answer and some logical explanation and reason for my symptoms over the past year. Angry that the previous doctor may have missed it or at least wasn't aggressive in testing for it. Hurt and Disappointed that a chance of natural pregnancy is slim to none. The doctor said that a natural pregnancy was very slim and that there was a good chance that there might be a chromosome defect with the pregnancy- and I have a very strong history of chromosome abnormality in my family. So I guess that was a blessing in disguise- I honestly don't know how I would handle getting pregnant after such difficulty only to lose the pregnancy.  Like I said before, I'm okay with not being pregnant- adoption isn't Plan B for us- but there was still that glimmer of hope that pregnancy would be possible one day. 

The diagnosis stopped me in my tracks. Most people find out their reason for infertility before they start the adoption process. Not in the middle of it. My mind rushed with thoughts. "What do we do now? How do I even begin process this? What do I tell our home study worker? How do I grieve?" 

This shocking diagnosis does not change our passion and plans to adopt one single bit. If anything, it gives us more energy to push forward. We put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. I'm so thankful for answers, thankful for a doctor who took the time to listen to me and offer a treatment that plan that after 2 days, I could already tell was working, a God who is Sovereign and that nothing takes Him by surprise.