Infertility is a thief. It steals so much. I think that's why I wanted an infant. If I wasn't able to experience the pregnancy, delivery, first moments, etc then I wanted to catch up on lost time as soon as I good. Plus the earlier the child is with us, the sooner we can start working on bonding and attachment.
Yesterday, I received a text from a friend asking if we were completely sold on newborn. I told her about our parameters and my reasoning for wanting newborn/infant. She completely understood. She proceeded to me the story- it was a family member of her husband's and the child was two. My friend and her husband could not take him in right now. Something made me tell her that I would talk to Hubby and then I asked for additional information.
I was traveling so I had a lot of time to think. It struck me. I didn't ask God to show me the parameters that He wanted for us- I simply said what I wanted and went with it. I really got to thinking about it. This little boy couldn't help the fact that he was 2. He has experienced a lot of trauma for his little life. Before transitioning to full time adoption with my job, I worked with foster kids and children in residential settings for 6 years. I know how to deal with their hurts, the impact that trauma can have on development, bonding and attachment. Was there now all of a sudden a reason why?
I knew what Hubby would say- "yes" and that we would walk through any door that opened as far it would take us. I knew it would be hard. My friend called me back and confirmed some of my suspicions and answered questions that I already had answered in my mind (because of knowing how the foster care system works). It was not even an option for us. But that's okay. I knew that I had to be willing to surrender my "yes" and be willing to let go of my expectations and desires. After all, this isn't about me at all. When I finally made it home that evening, I talked with Hubby about this situation. Again, he confirmed he was okay with a toddler. I don't think we would be comfortable with older than age 2 or 3 at this point in our lives. I was a little disappointed but even more excited about may happen because we surrendered our "yes."