"It's all going to be okay"

"It's all going to be okay. It's all going to be okay." Those words were spoken over me last night by dear sweet husband. I love that man- he's so calm, grounded, unwavering. Early last night, I received a phone call from an attorney friend about a baby being born in 2 weeks and the birth mom hadn't been matched yet. She was asking if we would we be interested. I can still remember the feeling in my stomach- utter panic mixed with excitement. She gave us the details, talked about some possibilities to make it work with finances. It was a lot of money in a short amount time- and we didn't have all of it- though I felt like we could get it. Then there was the little (big) issue with our homestudy- it wasn't completed yet (that's a whole other post in itself). There was also another issue-the birth mom did not want anyone who was "too religious"-whatever that means. Umm- we're a ministry family- our faith is core to who we are. It's about a relationship with Christ, but I guess to some people we would be considered "religious".- maybe even "too religious."

I cried, we prayed, we talked, I cried some more, i racked my brain to figure out a way to make it work. But there was the answer in our hearts from the Lord- "No..this isn't your child." If I'm really honest, I think i knew that from the moment she started telling me everything. My sweet attorney friend (who's also a social worker) told me that it's okay, this may not be our child, but that they'll be others and she's keeping us in mind for situations. There also may be another potential situation further down the road (BM is only 7-8 weeks along) that may be a better fit for us. 

I can't help but feel like this will never happen- like it's getting further and further away. Remember, when you were a kid and you had a balloon in your hand and the wind took it from your hand? In the first few seconds that it happened, it seems like you'll be able to get it back- it lingers close to you, then suddenly - nope, a gust of wind picks up and moves it further and further away, in the distance, out of reach forever. That's exactly how this feels. Like it will never happen. I feel like lately it's always been something- the homestudy, finances, timing. Believe me, I know that God is faithful and He hears the cries of my heart. It's coming- i know it. Just right now, it doesn't seem like that at all. 

Last night, I asked David- "Is there ever going to happen? Will we ever get our child?" My wise husband with his funny sense of humor (yet spot on in truth) "Yes- multiple children. There are children every day that need a home. One day, you'll remember this day and laugh because you'll be crying over how the kids are driving you crazy!" A funny thing also happened earlier- he makes me laugh all the time. My friend asked me if I knew of any other families through my work that might be interested. I told her i would check and see and call her back. He said, "You're going to call someone and see if they want a baby born in two weeks? Just like that?" I smiled and said "Yes, I do it all the time-sometimes with shorter notice than that." He just shook his head and grinned, "Well, no wonder you're crazy!" It took me a minute to catch what he said, but it made me laugh. Adoption tends to bring out the craziness. 

I'm not going to lie and say I'm 100% okay today. I'm not. I'm trusting in the promise that God is faithful and that I have "to trust in the Lord with all of my heart and lean not own my own understanding. In all of my ways acknowledge Him and He will set my path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6. His ways are not mine, He can see the bigger picture- I only see a snapshot. He's got this- this maybe bigger than me, but it's not bigger than Him. And, it's all going to be okay. In fact, when it does happen, it will be more than "okay." It will be perfect. 

Surrendering the Yes

When we first started the adoption process, because it's a domestic adoption, we immediately set our age range for newborn to 12 months (the younger the better). Hubby has said that he wouldn't mind adopting an older child. It was me that held back on that. Most domestic adoptions are newborns and if an older child (non infant or toddler) is available, then they usually  have severe behavior/emotional issues and medical issues. If we were adopting internationally, this would be something we would have to consider as a yes. 

Infertility is a thief. It steals so much. I think that's why I wanted an infant. If I wasn't able to experience the pregnancy, delivery, first moments, etc then I wanted to catch up on lost time as soon as I good. Plus the earlier the child is with us, the sooner we can start working on bonding and attachment. 

Yesterday, I received a text from a friend asking if we were completely sold on newborn. I told her about our parameters and my reasoning for wanting newborn/infant. She completely understood. She proceeded to me the story- it was a family member of her husband's and the child was two. My friend and her husband could not take him in right now. Something made me tell her that I would talk to Hubby and then I asked for additional information. 

I was traveling so I had a lot of time to think. It struck me. I didn't ask God to show me the parameters that He wanted for us- I simply said what I wanted and went with it. I really got to thinking about it. This little boy couldn't help the fact that he was 2. He has experienced a lot of trauma for his little life. Before transitioning to full time adoption with my job, I worked with foster kids and children in residential settings for 6 years. I know how to deal with their hurts, the impact that trauma can have on development, bonding and attachment. Was there now all of a sudden a reason why? 

I knew what Hubby would say- "yes" and that we would walk through any door that opened as far it would take us. I knew it would be hard. My friend called me back and confirmed some of my suspicions and answered questions that I already had answered in my mind (because of knowing how the foster care system works). It was not even an option for us. But that's okay. I knew that I had to be willing to surrender my "yes" and be willing to let go of my expectations and desires. After all, this isn't about me at all. When I finally made it home that evening, I talked with Hubby about this situation. Again, he confirmed he was okay with a toddler. I don't think we would be comfortable with older than age 2 or 3 at this point in our lives. I was a little disappointed but even more excited about may happen because we surrendered our "yes." 

Unexpected Answers

Ask anyone who's been a part of adoption and they'll probably all tell you the same thing: the journey is unpredictable. It's full of unexpected twists and turns, bumps and roadblocks. Anything can change in the matter of a few moments. Be prepared for the unexpected. 

As I wrote previously, we've been dealing with infertility for over a year. Even after my surgery in Feb 2013, we didn't have any real answers or reason for the infertility other than we had it. Pregnancy wasn't impossible just going to be difficult. Last week, I had my first experience with the unexpected and unpredictable with adoption. I met with a new OB/GYN doctor since we had moved and needed to get established. I showed her the pictures from my surgery and told her what worked and what hadn't worked so far. I told her we were in the midst of the adoption process. Routine bloodwork brought a reason for the infertility. However, I wasn't prepared for the reason. I'm in early menopause. At. 32. Premature Ovarian Failure- which is when the ovaries fail and one goes into menopause before the age of 40. My previous doctor had mentioned this as a possibility but nothing else was mentioned. 

I felt a mixture of emotions. Relieved to finally have an answer and some logical explanation and reason for my symptoms over the past year. Angry that the previous doctor may have missed it or at least wasn't aggressive in testing for it. Hurt and Disappointed that a chance of natural pregnancy is slim to none. The doctor said that a natural pregnancy was very slim and that there was a good chance that there might be a chromosome defect with the pregnancy- and I have a very strong history of chromosome abnormality in my family. So I guess that was a blessing in disguise- I honestly don't know how I would handle getting pregnant after such difficulty only to lose the pregnancy.  Like I said before, I'm okay with not being pregnant- adoption isn't Plan B for us- but there was still that glimmer of hope that pregnancy would be possible one day. 

The diagnosis stopped me in my tracks. Most people find out their reason for infertility before they start the adoption process. Not in the middle of it. My mind rushed with thoughts. "What do we do now? How do I even begin process this? What do I tell our home study worker? How do I grieve?" 

This shocking diagnosis does not change our passion and plans to adopt one single bit. If anything, it gives us more energy to push forward. We put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. I'm so thankful for answers, thankful for a doctor who took the time to listen to me and offer a treatment that plan that after 2 days, I could already tell was working, a God who is Sovereign and that nothing takes Him by surprise. 

T shirts!

We just had our first home study meeting last week. It was interesting being on the other side of things- blog post to come.  We're about to kick fundraising into high gear- especially to be prepared if things happen fast. 

We're selling t shirts through Bonfire Funds. We have 20 days to sell a minimum  of 50 shirts and we receive $11 from each shirt. Our goal is 200 shirts. It's day 3 and we've sold 49 shirts! We struggled trying to find the "right" design- one that people would actually want to wear and that represented our story. We're adopting through Christian Adoption Consultants and they have a Facebook page for adoptive families. One of the mamas offered to families some of the designs they didn't use for their shirts. We found one that we love. Love how He provides for us. 

Our site www.bonfirefunds.com/journey-to-baby-gray  Simply visit the site, order your shirt and it will be shipped to you towards the end of March. Our fund is open until March 12. So visit our site and order a shirt- help bring baby Gray home. 

Will We tell our Child they are adopted?

This past weekend, I was at the March for Life sponsored by Louisiana Right to Life. It was a great march, but COLD!!! Louisiana has had a bit of Arctic weather lately. My table was next to this lady with another local organization. We began talking and she told me she was an adoptive mom- her son was 21. She then asked if I had children and I was able to share about our adoption journey. Total God moment for sure. 

Our stories were very similar- we both married later in life, had infertility, adoption. What struck me was that she said they never talked about the adoption with her son- in fact he didn't know he was adopted until he was 8. He talks about it with other people, but never with his parents. I'm not sure how it came about but I mentioned something about telling our child they are adopted at an early age. Stunned, she asked me, "You really are going to tell them they're adopted when they're little?" I said- "Yes. It not anything to be ashamed about. We want them to know- it's a part of their story." I explained to her that obviously, we weren't going to have a 30 minute conversation with our child every day about adoption, but we want to have a climate in our home/family where our child knows they are adopted, can talk about it and ask any questions- without worrying about upsetting us. I think that's what happened with this woman- she had not dealt with her own insecurities about not being able to have biological children, fear of the child wanting to meet their bio family, etc. This is a major area that I cover with my families that I work with. 

Adoption is a not a secret, not anything to be ashamed about. Hopefully, we'll be able to meet our child's birth family so we'll be able to tell our child one day that we did get to meet them, what they're like, etc. It's important for our child to know where they come from- to celebrate their family. There's a great book that I've read called "Telling the Truth to Your Adopted Child" by Jayne Schooler- highly recommend. It talks about the different developmental stages of children and how they think about adoption at that age. So yes, we'll tell our child they're adopted. It just means that they have two families who love them very much- double blessing. 

Dear Birth Mother

Today is National Sanctity of Human Life Day. Yesterday, I participated in our state's March for Life with my job. This year there was a focus on adoption. I work primarily with adoptive parents, but occasionally have worked with birth mothers. Every single one of them considered abortion at some point when they learned of their unplanned pregnancy. There was the mom who was actually planning to get an abortion and had to watch videos of what occurred during the process- she got up and walked out. Another one who changed her mind after doing a google search for abortion and saw pictures of what happens during the procedure. One of my adoptive families told me that their son's birthmom tried to have an abortion 5 times and couldn't go through with it. 

Now being on the adoption journey, I looked at this event with different eyes. Our birth mom (whoever she is, wherever she is) may very well be faced with this dilemma. My heart has been so heavy for her today- this day, Sanctity of Human Life day. As I was driving back home today, (seven hours in the car- a lot of time to think and pray!) I began to pray for her, thinking of what I would say to her, what I would say to any mom in this situation. I'm not jumping on some pro-life vs pro choice bandwagon here- this letter is from one mama to another. 

Dear Birth Mom, 

You don't know me, I don't know you- we haven't met yet. I don't know when we'll meet but you were on my mind today. So I did what I usually do when someone is on my mind: I prayed. Because one day (if not already), you'll find yourself in a situation you probably never expected to be: pregnant. Abortion may have crossed your mind or been presented to you as an option. I don't know. What I do know is that there are other choices: choices that offer life. I pray that God will send people in your life that will speak truth to you, speak life into you when your'e at your most desperate moment, that they will share with you about adoption. I want you to know that there is an adoptive family who is praying for you- and we don't even know who you are. We are praying for strength: strength to resist to listen to what others are telling you is the right thing to do, strength to fight for you and your child. You are brave and strong- don't forget that. Praying for wisdom and peace as you make decisions, as you make the most selfless decision anyone can make, as you choose who will raise your child. I'm not going to pretend that I know what you're going through- I don't. We are both moms to a child who will be so blessed to have two moms who love them so much- you loved them enough to choose life. That's huge in my book. We both love someone we haven't even met yet- strange how that can happen, but it does. Rest assured that your child will know how much you love them- that you chose life for them. Until the day comes and we meet, I'm praying for you and your child- and thankful every day that you chose life. 

Adoptive Mom to Be

New Journey, New Blog, How We Got here

I had to change over to a new email account and I couldn't figure out how to connect it with my old blog- too techno savvy for me. So I figured, new blog to go along with our new journey. Hopefully, I'll do a much better job at posting. :)

The past few months have been a new journey and it now has a new destination: adoption!! We told our families at Thanksgiving and Christmas and then officially told everyone via FB on January 1. I told D that I may never get to have a "pregnancy announcement" so I wanted to be creative with it and enjoy the moment. Below is our picture from the fabulous Anna Pitts at Purple Paisley Photography 

I want this blog to document our journey to becoming parents, to write what I'm learning about adoption and to keep our friends and families updated on the journey. Here's the Reader's Digest version of how we got here.

Before D and I were engaged, we talked about adoption and knew that it was something that would be a part of our family. We just thought it would be after we had biological children. We knew that getting pregnant could be difficult due to my previous history of endometreosis. Plus, we got married later in life by "Southern standards"- I was 31, he was 32. After about six months of marriage and no pregnancy (and a few other issues that made me think there was a problem), I underwent surgery in February 2013. No endo but a lot of scar tissue and other things that made the doctor feel like pregnancy wasn't going to be impossible but hard. She immediately prescribed Clomid and referred me to a specialist. In April, I saw the specialist who was amazing and didn't seem to think things were bad as originally thought. He wanted to do 3 rounds of Clomid. I was finally able to start the Clomid in May and it was awful- turned me into a crazy woman. It didn't work. D and I had decided that if it didn't work, we would just move to adoption.

I wasn't sure if I ever had complete peace about doing Clomid, but felt like I needed to try. As I left the doctor's office, I felt such peace and release to move forward. The summer months were spent praying about D's full time ministry and where God would have us next. It was a pretty fast interview/hiring process that led us to moving to a small town in Northwest Louisiana, but we saw (and still see!) God's hands in every step of the way. My house sold fairly quickly and we're in the process of buying the house we're renting now (which I love!!).

We know which agency we're going to use, making plans for home study (since I obviously can't do my own!) and getting finances, fundraising ideas, in place to move forward with a domestic adoption. We're so excited. Adoption is not Plan B for us- just didn't know it would happen for us first. We have no idea how long this journey will be- I've learned in my job to throw timelines out the window. So we'll just pray and see.