Our Journey to Matthew

Wow- it's been a week since we got "the call'! It's been a busy week- but time has flown by. I want to document our journey to Matthew. I won't be sharing specific details of his birth mom, birth father, birth, etc- it's Matthew's story and as his parents, we are the story keeper until he is old enough to decide who he wants to share it with. 

This will likely be a series of posts, but I really want to document it because it is such a God story. 

THE CALL

Let me just say that the week leading up to getting the call about Matthew was probably one of the lowest and worst weeks of our adoption journey- for both David and I. Emotionally exhausting, defeated, feeling like it was one more bump, one more delay in getting our child home. I'm not going to go into it, but it was a series of events that were just rough. 

Earlier in the week, I had gotten a call from an attorney/colleague who knew we were adopting. She told me about a birth mom she was meeting with that weekend and who was due in a few weeks. She asked if we were interested in being presented and we said yes. 

Friday, May 24- 

I had just pulled up to the church with pizza for our youth bash when my attorney friend called. She asked if I was by myself and then I needed to get David here with me. Well, he was in the middle of getting things ready so it was just me. She told me of a completely different situation- one that she felt certain was "it" for us. A baby boy had been born earlier that day in New Orleans and his birth mom wanted to choose an adoption plan. In the adoption community, this is a "stork drop"- where no adoption plan has been made prior to birth. She gave the details and told us that we would likely have to be in New Orleans by tomorrow morning. Everything she was telling me sounded good. I needed to talk to David and let her know very soon if we wanted to be presented to birth mom. 

The next hour or so was a blur- trying to talk to David about everything while we're at the youth event. I spoke to my friend again, then to the social worker who met with the birth mom. About two hours later, I was on the phone with our son's birth mother, S. It was a very surreal, out of body experience. I  shared with her a little about us and our journey to adoption. She told me why she was choosing adoption and that she wanted him to be raised in a Christian home with a family who would love him and give him what he needed. We made plans to leave first thing in the morning. 

Meanwhile, we were showing the movie "Facing the Giants" - how appropriate for what was about to happen! Especially at the end, where Coach Taylor finds out he's going to be a daddy- after he and his wife faced infertility. This was the biggest leap of faith we had ever taken together as a couple. But it just seemed the right thing to do. We both had no idea how it would turn out. We said from the beginning of our adoption journey, that we would walk through every door until it closes. 

We got home late- around 10:30. I'm trying to think of what all we need to pack, David is trying to sleep to get ready for the long drive. I couldn't sleep at all. I was up and down- thinking surely this is not really happening. We could be soon be parents. 

Next: the Drive/Meet and Greet

A Different Kind of Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day (well almost- Mother's Day Eve) and I've been thinking about this day all week. It's a little different for me this year. Last Mother's Day, it was just a few months after my surgery and when we were told that medical intervention was our only chance at being pregnant. I knew that by this time next year, I would either be pregnant, have a baby, or be in the middle of adoption. Honestly, either way, I thought we would have a baby by now. 

Well, it's a year later- and no baby. One unsuccessful round of Clomid, an official cause of infertility, a big move and big job change for my husband and we're finally in the midst of the adoption process. It's been a bit slower (okay, a lot!) than I had wanted it to be, or where I thought I would be at this point. 

Yesterday, we celebrated the life of David's grandmother. She went to be with Jesus last week at age 85. She was so excited about our adoption process and was constantly asking about when the baby was coming home. Honestly, she wanted nothing more than to see her first great grandchild. Last week, she asked about the baby's name, which we were able to tell her. She also gave us this little bunny rabbit that sings a song about Jelly Beans to put in the baby's room. One of the last things she told David and I was to "take care of that baby and bring them home." David preached part of the funeral and it was beautiful. I did okay until he started talking about the baby and how excited she was- which then caused me to bawl my way through singing "Amazing Grace." David assured her before she passed away that our baby would know about her and we would take care of them. 

I had this realization last week about Mother's Day. It wasn't anything huge or profound but it gave me a bit of hope. I realized that I already am someone's mother. They just don't know it yet.

 Somewhere out there, there is a brave woman who will make the most selfless and loving decision to choose an adoption plan for her baby. I don't know if this baby is even in her womb yet, but God knows exactly when this baby will be born. Our baby already has two mothers who love them so much- it's indescribable.

My child doesn't know that 

• I picture in my head what the day will be like when we get the "call" 
• that I get so overwhelmed with the love that I already have for them that it takes my breath away. 
• that their grandparents are already talking about their "grandparent" names. :)
• that we are praying for them and their birth family
• that I have this picture in my head of what I think they may look like- I'll be curious to see if they look anything like this! 
• that I never knew I could love someone so much that I've never met
• that already in my heart, even before we've met- I love them with a mother's love. 

So I'll wait. I'll continue to get the nursery ready and drive my husband crazy with paint colors and my crazy planning- "nesting" madness. I'll cry because it seems so far away- almost out of reach. I'll pray- continuing to hold onto the hope that God has given me. I'll continue to love- love the little one who will someday (soon!) call me "Mommy."

A Sweet Gift

One of the things that I love about my work in adoption is the relationships that I get to have with my families. I tell them "We laugh together, we cry together, we pull our hair out, I talk you off of the ledge..you're stuck with me long after all of this over." I love getting email updates, Christmas cards, photos, phone calls from them- to let me know how they are doing. 

About 6 years ago, I met a family who was one my of first home studies (not sure if they knew that- they were my guinea pigs!) and they took in a little boy who was 18 months old and they later adopted him at age 3. Over the two and a half years they were my "family" and then the years later, we've developed a great friendship. I get pictures, follow them on FB, talk occasionally. J is now 8 and he's growing up so fast. 

Yesterday, I got a phone call from J's mom. She said she had to share something with me but not through an email. Saturday was "National Lemonade Day" where kids are encouraged to have a lemonade stand and with their profits to do three things: Save, give and spend. I had seen pictures on FB of J's lemonade stand- it was so cute. She said that J told her that with his money, he wanted to give to an adoption ministry. She told him about David and I adopting and how I knew J and his family. She was calling to tell me that J was giving a portion of his lemonade profits to our adoption fund. I was blown away. We cried and we laughed. I couldn't believe it. I love how this little boy whose life was changed by adoption wanted to give back. This reminds me of why adoption is worth it, why doing what I do is worth it. All of the tears, uncertainty, the gift of a courageous young girl, the willingness of a family to say "yes" even when it was hard and "no" would have been easier to do. 

So the next time I pass a lemonade stand or drink a cup of lemonade, I'm reminded of the sweetest gift I received from a little boy who touched my heart in such a huge way. 

"It's all going to be okay"

"It's all going to be okay. It's all going to be okay." Those words were spoken over me last night by dear sweet husband. I love that man- he's so calm, grounded, unwavering. Early last night, I received a phone call from an attorney friend about a baby being born in 2 weeks and the birth mom hadn't been matched yet. She was asking if we would we be interested. I can still remember the feeling in my stomach- utter panic mixed with excitement. She gave us the details, talked about some possibilities to make it work with finances. It was a lot of money in a short amount time- and we didn't have all of it- though I felt like we could get it. Then there was the little (big) issue with our homestudy- it wasn't completed yet (that's a whole other post in itself). There was also another issue-the birth mom did not want anyone who was "too religious"-whatever that means. Umm- we're a ministry family- our faith is core to who we are. It's about a relationship with Christ, but I guess to some people we would be considered "religious".- maybe even "too religious."

I cried, we prayed, we talked, I cried some more, i racked my brain to figure out a way to make it work. But there was the answer in our hearts from the Lord- "No..this isn't your child." If I'm really honest, I think i knew that from the moment she started telling me everything. My sweet attorney friend (who's also a social worker) told me that it's okay, this may not be our child, but that they'll be others and she's keeping us in mind for situations. There also may be another potential situation further down the road (BM is only 7-8 weeks along) that may be a better fit for us. 

I can't help but feel like this will never happen- like it's getting further and further away. Remember, when you were a kid and you had a balloon in your hand and the wind took it from your hand? In the first few seconds that it happened, it seems like you'll be able to get it back- it lingers close to you, then suddenly - nope, a gust of wind picks up and moves it further and further away, in the distance, out of reach forever. That's exactly how this feels. Like it will never happen. I feel like lately it's always been something- the homestudy, finances, timing. Believe me, I know that God is faithful and He hears the cries of my heart. It's coming- i know it. Just right now, it doesn't seem like that at all. 

Last night, I asked David- "Is there ever going to happen? Will we ever get our child?" My wise husband with his funny sense of humor (yet spot on in truth) "Yes- multiple children. There are children every day that need a home. One day, you'll remember this day and laugh because you'll be crying over how the kids are driving you crazy!" A funny thing also happened earlier- he makes me laugh all the time. My friend asked me if I knew of any other families through my work that might be interested. I told her i would check and see and call her back. He said, "You're going to call someone and see if they want a baby born in two weeks? Just like that?" I smiled and said "Yes, I do it all the time-sometimes with shorter notice than that." He just shook his head and grinned, "Well, no wonder you're crazy!" It took me a minute to catch what he said, but it made me laugh. Adoption tends to bring out the craziness. 

I'm not going to lie and say I'm 100% okay today. I'm not. I'm trusting in the promise that God is faithful and that I have "to trust in the Lord with all of my heart and lean not own my own understanding. In all of my ways acknowledge Him and He will set my path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6. His ways are not mine, He can see the bigger picture- I only see a snapshot. He's got this- this maybe bigger than me, but it's not bigger than Him. And, it's all going to be okay. In fact, when it does happen, it will be more than "okay." It will be perfect. 

Surrendering the Yes

When we first started the adoption process, because it's a domestic adoption, we immediately set our age range for newborn to 12 months (the younger the better). Hubby has said that he wouldn't mind adopting an older child. It was me that held back on that. Most domestic adoptions are newborns and if an older child (non infant or toddler) is available, then they usually  have severe behavior/emotional issues and medical issues. If we were adopting internationally, this would be something we would have to consider as a yes. 

Infertility is a thief. It steals so much. I think that's why I wanted an infant. If I wasn't able to experience the pregnancy, delivery, first moments, etc then I wanted to catch up on lost time as soon as I good. Plus the earlier the child is with us, the sooner we can start working on bonding and attachment. 

Yesterday, I received a text from a friend asking if we were completely sold on newborn. I told her about our parameters and my reasoning for wanting newborn/infant. She completely understood. She proceeded to me the story- it was a family member of her husband's and the child was two. My friend and her husband could not take him in right now. Something made me tell her that I would talk to Hubby and then I asked for additional information. 

I was traveling so I had a lot of time to think. It struck me. I didn't ask God to show me the parameters that He wanted for us- I simply said what I wanted and went with it. I really got to thinking about it. This little boy couldn't help the fact that he was 2. He has experienced a lot of trauma for his little life. Before transitioning to full time adoption with my job, I worked with foster kids and children in residential settings for 6 years. I know how to deal with their hurts, the impact that trauma can have on development, bonding and attachment. Was there now all of a sudden a reason why? 

I knew what Hubby would say- "yes" and that we would walk through any door that opened as far it would take us. I knew it would be hard. My friend called me back and confirmed some of my suspicions and answered questions that I already had answered in my mind (because of knowing how the foster care system works). It was not even an option for us. But that's okay. I knew that I had to be willing to surrender my "yes" and be willing to let go of my expectations and desires. After all, this isn't about me at all. When I finally made it home that evening, I talked with Hubby about this situation. Again, he confirmed he was okay with a toddler. I don't think we would be comfortable with older than age 2 or 3 at this point in our lives. I was a little disappointed but even more excited about may happen because we surrendered our "yes." 

Unexpected Answers

Ask anyone who's been a part of adoption and they'll probably all tell you the same thing: the journey is unpredictable. It's full of unexpected twists and turns, bumps and roadblocks. Anything can change in the matter of a few moments. Be prepared for the unexpected. 

As I wrote previously, we've been dealing with infertility for over a year. Even after my surgery in Feb 2013, we didn't have any real answers or reason for the infertility other than we had it. Pregnancy wasn't impossible just going to be difficult. Last week, I had my first experience with the unexpected and unpredictable with adoption. I met with a new OB/GYN doctor since we had moved and needed to get established. I showed her the pictures from my surgery and told her what worked and what hadn't worked so far. I told her we were in the midst of the adoption process. Routine bloodwork brought a reason for the infertility. However, I wasn't prepared for the reason. I'm in early menopause. At. 32. Premature Ovarian Failure- which is when the ovaries fail and one goes into menopause before the age of 40. My previous doctor had mentioned this as a possibility but nothing else was mentioned. 

I felt a mixture of emotions. Relieved to finally have an answer and some logical explanation and reason for my symptoms over the past year. Angry that the previous doctor may have missed it or at least wasn't aggressive in testing for it. Hurt and Disappointed that a chance of natural pregnancy is slim to none. The doctor said that a natural pregnancy was very slim and that there was a good chance that there might be a chromosome defect with the pregnancy- and I have a very strong history of chromosome abnormality in my family. So I guess that was a blessing in disguise- I honestly don't know how I would handle getting pregnant after such difficulty only to lose the pregnancy.  Like I said before, I'm okay with not being pregnant- adoption isn't Plan B for us- but there was still that glimmer of hope that pregnancy would be possible one day. 

The diagnosis stopped me in my tracks. Most people find out their reason for infertility before they start the adoption process. Not in the middle of it. My mind rushed with thoughts. "What do we do now? How do I even begin process this? What do I tell our home study worker? How do I grieve?" 

This shocking diagnosis does not change our passion and plans to adopt one single bit. If anything, it gives us more energy to push forward. We put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. I'm so thankful for answers, thankful for a doctor who took the time to listen to me and offer a treatment that plan that after 2 days, I could already tell was working, a God who is Sovereign and that nothing takes Him by surprise. 

T shirts!

We just had our first home study meeting last week. It was interesting being on the other side of things- blog post to come.  We're about to kick fundraising into high gear- especially to be prepared if things happen fast. 

We're selling t shirts through Bonfire Funds. We have 20 days to sell a minimum  of 50 shirts and we receive $11 from each shirt. Our goal is 200 shirts. It's day 3 and we've sold 49 shirts! We struggled trying to find the "right" design- one that people would actually want to wear and that represented our story. We're adopting through Christian Adoption Consultants and they have a Facebook page for adoptive families. One of the mamas offered to families some of the designs they didn't use for their shirts. We found one that we love. Love how He provides for us. 

Our site www.bonfirefunds.com/journey-to-baby-gray  Simply visit the site, order your shirt and it will be shipped to you towards the end of March. Our fund is open until March 12. So visit our site and order a shirt- help bring baby Gray home.